Powerless

When Smalls was born, my wife and I decided that she should stay at home with him.  We couldn't really afford it, there was not much give in the budget to begin with, I just couldn't see how we could do it on my salary.  But Megan was convinced that this was what we needed to do, so I gave in and we went for it.  

About four months ago or so, Megan and I realized that we were in a desperate situation.  She had picked up part-time hours at her old job in order to supplement our income.  This helped out for a bit, but we still weren't making out well. Over the past two years we had cut back on a lot of bills for things we didn't need, we had no car payments, and never went out to eat or do much else. But still, it wasn't enough.  We had reached the end of our savings, and in a few months time, making the monthly obligations would be hard, if not impossible.  Therefore, Megan and I had to make a decision about her going back to work full time.  I was praying and hoping and doing what I could to make sure that this didn't happen, but there wasn't another option.  So, for the last two months, Megan has been working full time in her old job.

She was a trooper.  She went to work, although she didn't want to.  Dropping Smalls off at day care and being gone 5 days in a row was tough on her, but she kept her head up.  She reintegrated back into her old job, she got right back into the swing of things.  She had strength, and that was good, because I am not sure that I could have handled it well had she not been tough.  I felt like a failure in some sense.  I could not properly provide for my family, I was unable to give my wife what she wanted.  That dug at me, in fact, it still hurts.  But her strength was admirable.

This weekend, I spent a lot of time working on the bathroom that we are remodeling.  I was in there the majority of the weekend, and Megan spent a lot of time with just her and Smalls.  Last night, when I came to bed, she was clearly upset.  She was really missing Smalls.  Missing spending time with him, having the entire day to spend with him, and enjoying all the great moments.  I sat there, at a loss for what to do to comfort her, having no words to offer.  This morning, I went to work early and Megan had to get ready and drop Smalls off at daycare without me.  When I called her later in the day, she told me that she had been upset again this morning after dropping him off.  I have to admit, it isn't easy leaving him, he cries every time.  Even tough I know that he will be alright, and that he likes daycare, it doesn't get a bit easier hearing him cry like that.  As I was talking to Megan on the phone, I was again at a loss for what to do or say, I had nothing.

I am a fix-it kind of guy.  Heck, for a living, I solve problems.  I run into an issue and my first instinct is to start thinking of a solution.  That is what makes this so hard.  I can't think of anything to do to make this situation better, not even a little.  I can see her hurting, I can hear it in her voice, but I can't make it go away.  In fact, I have a feeling that if I do too much, I will make it worse.  I hate it, I can't stand being so powerless.

It hit home with me tonight when putting Smalls to bed.  We were going through our nightly routine; reading books and singing songs to him.  He was cuddled up to Megan and she was singing to him.  When she stopped singing, and it was time to put him in the bed, he looked at her, cupped her cheeks in both hands and said, "Mommy stay home."  UUUGGGHHHH!  I could tell that hit her hard, but she told him that she would stay home tomorrow night.  Keeping his hands on her face, he said, "Mommy go work next time."  RIP MY HEART OUT.  In the middle of feeling helpless about being able to support my upset wife, Xander couldn't have had words that were any harder to deal with.  Smalls repeated this multiple times, unintentionally driving that pain deeper.  What can I say to her?  I don't think there is anything I can say that will help.  All I can do is sit and watch my wife struggle with this, as she tries to deal with these intense feelings.  And here I am, absolutely powerless.  There is nothing I can fix, nothing I can solve, no process to follow, nothing.  It drives me crazy.  I feel that I have partially caused these problems by not being able to keep this from happening, and now I can't even do anything to alleviate this.

Does anyone have any advice?  Please comment.